![\"Cover](\"https:\/\/disabilityinkidlit.com\/test\/wp-content\/uploads\/omegaball-300x435.jpg\")
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\n\t\t\t\tBUY ON BOOKSHOP<\/span>\n\t\t\t\tBOOKSHOP<\/span>\n\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t& support independent bookstores\n\t\t\t<\/span>\n\t\t\t\t<\/a>\n\t<\/article> \n\n\t<\/center><\/div>That same week, while she\u2019s debating her decision, she\u2019s invited to join an intergalactic hacktivist (terrorist?) group by its infamous leader Mr. Chalk, Scared that he\u2019s singled her out, and confused at what he could possibly want with her even if she is a computer and engineering genius, she bolts and runs directly (and seemingly on a whim) to her try-out for the Omegaball team. But her twin sister, Helen, secretly volunteers with Mr. Chalk in her stead, on the condition that he helps her destroy Laurie\u2019s life. (Yes, you read that right.)<\/p>\nThe book follows Laurie\u2019s journey to playing Omegaball in the real world and Helen\u2019s increasingly dangerous \u201cpartnership\u201d with Mr. Chalk. The two plotlines come together when Helen inadvertently helps Mr. Chalk take an entire Omegaball arena \u2060\u2014 where she and Laurie are facing off on opposing teams \u2060\u2014 hostage.<\/p>\n
Laurie uses a wheelchair because of a congenital spinal cord injury on her C-5 vertebra caused by a birth defect. The exact nature of her disability is different from mine (I have a neuromuscular disease, not a spinal cord injury), but we share many similarities. We both have congenital disabilities. We both use power wheelchairs and have done so essentially all our lives. And we both have limited strength and range of motion.<\/p>\n
While I was intrigued by the virtual-reality premise and cautiously hopeful for the disability representation, I\u2019m sorry to report that this book is a case study in how not to write a wheelchair-using character, from ableist self-loathing to the resentful abled sibling trope to a medical \u201ccure\u201d and beyond. It\u2019s also a veritable hotbed of misogyny throughout, though it manifests differently in each of the three points of view \u2060\u2014 Laurie, Helen, and Glenn, the Omegaball coach who recruits Laurie. There\u2019s a lot to discuss here, so I\u2019m going to split the review up into sections for easier reading.<\/p>\n
Internalized Ableism and Self-Loathing<\/h5>\n
The book begins with some promising moments. The opening scene finds Laurie in a crowd of people all angling to meet the star player of Laurie’s favorite real-world team. When the athlete spots her, the attention of the crowd swings to her. Laurie\u2019s reaction is wildly relatable:<\/p>\n
…they’re all giving me the same look, that same condescending, oh isn’t she brave<\/em> wide-eyed stare I get from able-bodied twits who operate under the assumption that being disabled is the worst thing in the history of the universe.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
A few pages later, after an embarrassing interaction with the famous player (which involves a wholly unnecessary and demeaning moment where Laurie’s dad, instead of offering a pen for autographing, accidentally hands the player a spare pee-stained tube designed to collect Laurie’s urine), Laurie takes control of the crowd by indirectly shaming them.<\/p>\n
\u201cHey Dad! Do I have lobsters crawling out of my ears? … Then why are all these ladies staring at me?\u201d<\/p>\n
The effect is instant and awesome. Dozens of cheeks turn red. Heads swivel away. Horrified apologies are muttered. It\u2019s glorious, but nevertheless, their words ring in my ears: it must be so hard<\/em>.<\/p>\n
Trust me, it isn\u2019t. It\u2019s just me, just my life.<\/p>\n
But I\u2019ll admit: sometimes this crap gets to me. Sometimes.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Laurie’s internal and external reactions in this section all ring true, if a little on-the-nose. She\u2019s used to the ableist microaggressions she\u2019s received all her life and has a go-to method for addressing them, but she also acknowledges that it hurts and affects her. Given the context of the scene, I originally interpreted that last line about how \u201csometimes this crap gets to me\u201d as referring to ableism. I was hopeful we\u2019d get a character navigating an ableist world with a range of realistic emotional responses. Unfortunately, as the narrative progresses, it\u2019s clear that by \u201cthis crap,\u201d Laurie actually means her disability itself, not ableism.<\/p>\n
Laurie is a fundamentally self-loathing character. The narrative insists otherwise via the occasional assertion of \u201cbelieve it or not, I don\u2019t hate myself\u201d or \u201cthere’s nothing wrong with me,\u201d but those statements lose any weight when taken with the never-ending stream of self-hating thoughts. Here\u2019s a sampling:<\/p>\n
A nasty voice inside me affirms this fear:<\/p>\n
You’re a horrible, deformed monster and you know it.<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Reflecting on their mother’s death:<\/p>\n
[Helen] came out first. Mom was fine.<\/p>\n
Then I came, all gnarled and stunted, like a branch growing in on itself.<\/p>\n
Mom wasn’t fine after I came out.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Oh, Laurie. You’re so naive. So stupid. If he ever saw you in person, he’d feel sick to his stomach. You know that.<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n
On not going to social events:<\/p>\n
…where so many people can see how gross I am…<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
When meeting Glenn in person:<\/p>\n
You’ve made a huge mistake coming here, leading him on. You should’ve told him the truth the second you met him, and now he’s going to tell you you’re a freak and a loser and you’ll never play for the Dreadnoughts or be a normal girl or have a boyfriend ever, ever, ever, EVER.<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Granted, sometimes these thoughts are corrected on the page. For example, after that final quote, \u201ca quiet, sensible voice\u201d in her head says there\u2019s nothing wrong with her. But again, those insistences feel hollow when there\u2019s so much<\/em> self-hatred overpowering them. Internalized ableism is absolutely something many disabled people struggle with, and which likely manifests in a similar way for many of us as it does for Laurie. The problem here is subtle and multi-faceted. First, the self-loathing stands out as the core<\/em> of Laurie’s self-view, not the pithy and ultimately insubstantial positive refrains. But perhaps even more important is the fact that the worst of what Laurie thinks of herself is corroborated by everyone around her \u2060\u2014 and thus by the narrative itself. Her sister\u2019s point-of-view is full<\/em> of ableist hatred, insults, and emotional violence (which we’ll discuss soon). Her father says multiple times that Laurie’s disability has been hard on Helen<\/em> and that Laurie needs to love her sister extra to make up for Helen\u2019s hatred of her. And Glenn not only says \u201cYou are a fucking joke\u201d when meeting Laurie in person, but it\u2019s revealed later that he only ends up drafting her to the team because her disability and the team\u2019s largesse in overlooking it will make a good story.<\/p>\n
Finally, it\u2019s crucial to realize that for disabled readers who struggle with internalized ableism, Laurie\u2019s recurring self-hating voice could very well be triggering, or, at the very least, painful. If the narrative had countered or done a better job acknowledging the nuances of internalized ableism, that wouldn\u2019t necessarily be a problem; again, it is a difficult reality for many. But the narrative continually reinforces the ableism underlying Laurie\u2019s self-hatred, signaling to disabled readers, however subtly, that Laurie should \u2060\u2014 that they<\/em> should \u2060\u2014 feel this way.<\/p>\n
The Intersection of Ableism and Misogyny<\/h5>\n
Let\u2019s consider how often Laurie\u2019s self-loathing is about how boys view her. It\u2019s not that those thoughts themselves are unrealistic; I myself have written essays upon essays working through disability, desire, and dating. It\u2019s that those thoughts happen constantly and in sometimes absurd situations. Take the climax, for example. Laurie is battling Mr. Chalk (who originally approached her as a \u201csecret admirer\u201d) in the Darknet while her family is being held hostage in the real world. She\u2019s already handily dispatched his henchmen and dismantled his command center when she gives this monologue:<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you know what it\u2019s like to be fooled into thinking you\u2019re pretty?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou spend your life trying not to get your hopes up. Some boy looks at you, and you spend the whole day convincing yourself it means he likes you, and why it means he\u2019s building up the courage to talk to you, and why it maybe means you should talk to him first … but then when you actually talk to him, reality<\/em> drops a pitch-black curtain over everything. The whole world goes from color to black and white, and you\u2019re looking at things as they are. And in the real world \u2060\u2014 the one that actually exists \u2060\u2014 <\/em>he wasn\u2019t looking at you, and he wasn\u2019t going to talk to you, and you should never have talked to him, because when you do, it makes him sick to his stomach. Sick because all of a sudden, he has to think of a nice<\/em> way to say \u2018Please don\u2019t ever talk to me again.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
My hands are shaking. I go on: \u201cFor a few seconds, you made me think the curtain wasn\u2019t going to fall; that the world was color, not black and white; that I actually existed<\/em> for someone.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
To reiterate: this happens while her dad and sister and thousands of other people<\/em> are being held hostage. I should also note that Mr. Chalk intentionally got her sister addicted to \u201cmindbends\u201d (a sort of virtual reality drug) in order to better manipulate her. But of all that, this<\/em> is what Laurie brings up. Again, what\u2019s she\u2019s saying feels familiar and true to my own experiences, but the timing and context of this speech is a function of the misogyny that runs throughout the book. It\u2019s shown time after time that Laurie\u2019s foremost concern must always be how boys view her, even when lives are on the line.<\/p>\n
Does the narrative ever counter that belief that Laurie is undesirable, though? That has a complicated answer that boils down to: yes, but in decidedly misogynistic and ableist ways.<\/p>\n
Near the beginning of the book, we learn that Laurie\u2019s best friend (and her primary way of accessing the Darknet because of the nature of the technology), Driscoll, has feelings for her. We also learn that Laurie doesn\u2019t quite know how to feel about that or about him. Again, this was a promising start. Coupled with Laurie\u2019s longing to be desired, being on the receiving end of an unrequited crush could inject some much-needed complexity to her interiority. It could show that while Laurie might be eager and even desperate for love, she isn\u2019t desperate<\/em> and willing to settle for the first boy who expresses interest. For a while, that\u2019s how things seem to be going.<\/p>\n
After Driscoll confesses his feelings and Laurie rejects him, she hears her sister\u2019s voice in her head taunting her:<\/p>\n
Driscoll\u2019s the best you\u2019re ever going to do, Princess. You should lock him down before it\u2019s too late.<\/em><\/p>\n
Like hell he is. I\u2019m going to become an Omegaball star, and then we\u2019ll see what I can do.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
It\u2019s heartening to see Laurie assert that she can do better, but the fact that she believes she has to become a world-famous athlete to do so is telling, and it\u2019s never countered in the narrative.<\/p>\n
Unfortunately, it gets worse. At the very end of the book \u2060\u2014 well after Laurie\u2019s climactic monologue, to be clear \u2060\u2014 it\u2019s revealed that Driscoll is Mr. Chalk. He\u2019s the villain. The guy who approached Laurie as a \u201csecret admirer\u201d to manipulate her into joining him. The guy who then got Laurie\u2019s sister addicted to drugs and manipulated her into aiding a major terrorist attack. The guy who gave Helen all the ammunition she needed to make Laurie\u2019s life hell. The guy who is supposedly in love with Laurie and, as Driscoll, has also been sleeping with Helen. That guy is the one boy to express any romantic interest in Laurie throughout the book.<\/p>\n
(Though, at a party after Laurie undergoes a surgery that lets her walk \u2060\u2014 more on that soon \u2060\u2014 \u201ceveryone call[s] my name and tell[s] me how cute and hot and sexy I look,\u201d which has its own set of problems.)<\/p>\n
In light of the revelation about his identity, suddenly all the sad, self-pitying, self-righteous moments Driscoll has had throughout the book become much more sinister and calculated. And how does their final interaction play out?<\/p>\n
\u201cTell me who you are,\u201d I say, though I\u2019ve finally figured it out.<\/p>\n
He turns to leave, stops. \u201cI\u2019m so sorry about everything, Laurie. I never meant for any of this to happen. I want you to know you were never in any actual danger. I could never hurt you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHey,\u201d I say. \u201cThank you for saving my life [in a much earlier scene where Driscoll saves her from drowning]. At Lake House.\u201d<\/p>\n
He smiles. \u201cYou\u2019re welcome.\u201d<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t see him leave because I\u2019m on my knees sobbing.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
She thanks him. She mourns him. He leaves on a triumphant note, having cancelled the terrorist attack he\u2019d spent the book organizing in a supposed act of contrition after someone is killed (though he continues to defend the original intent of the attack). He\u2019s never caught, suffers no consequences. Beyond one line about Helen going to rehab, we never hear anything more about her addiction nor the cause of it. Laurie never reflects on his endless manipulations and seems to consider his \u201clove\u201d for her to have been genuine. Her final thoughts on him are almost wistful.<\/p>\n
The Resentful Sibling Trope<\/h5>\n
I\u2019ve mentioned that Helen hates Laurie, and she specifically hates her for being disabled. Their mother died in childbirth, an event that both sisters blame Laurie for. On top of that, Helen resents the amount of attention Laurie received from their father growing up. Helen calls her sister \u201cPrincess\u201d as a spiteful way to show she thinks Laurie is spoiled and selfish. Perhaps it\u2019ll be more instructive to let Helen tell you what she thinks of her sister:<\/p>\n
Princess stinks like an over-flowing Port-a-Potty. Natural side-effect of carrying around all your body’s filth.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
I catch a nasty look from Princess. Aw, feeling bad because you\u2019ll never have a boyfriend.<\/em><\/p>\n
I would. Hell, if I were stuck in that chair, I\u2019d kill myself.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
When mistaken for her twin:<\/p>\n
I\u2019m instantly seeing red. How the effing eff could any<\/em>one mistake me for Princess? I mean, she\u2019s a majorly mortifying freak-beast, and I\u2019m a goddess on two feet. Two<\/em> feet, you mouth-breather, not four wheels<\/em>.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Helen hates her sister so much that, as mentioned earlier, she agrees to help a known and dangerous criminal in exchange for the means to ruin Laurie\u2019s life. The means he provides is via the mindbends, which give Helen her own real-world Omegaball skills so she can surpass and humiliate Laurie in the area she loves most \u2060\u2014 and which also make Helen easier to control. Throughout it all, Helen\u2019s purpose is clear: to make her sister\u2019s life hell. When Laurie confronts Helen after the announcement that they\u2019ve both been drafted, but to rival teams, here\u2019s Helen\u2019s response:<\/p>\n
\u201cYou shouldn\u2019t even be<\/em> here. I was born first, and you were supposed to die. Happens all the time. Two twins, but one of them\u2019s broken. One dies so the other can live, but you were so fucking greedy that you took mom with you and made it so dad can\u2019t even see how awful<\/em> you are. Of course I mindbent my way onto the team. I\u2019m not like you, Laurie. I\u2019m not just automatically good<\/em> at everything, even though my body works<\/em>.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Clearly some of her hate stems from her own insecurity about herself, but that neither excuses nor explains her intense ableism. The other characters seem to think it does, though. Here\u2019s a snippet from Helen\u2019s \u201credemptive\u201d scene, which occurs after she and her father have been taken hostage:<\/p>\n
\u201cDaddy, I\u2019m so sorry. Oh, god help me, I\u2019m so sorry. I fucked up. I fucked up bad. Princess \u2060\u2014 Laurie<\/em>. She just, she always got everything. Didn\u2019t matter how hard I tried or worked or mindbent or fought, she always won<\/em>. And she didn\u2019t even need to move<\/em> to do it. God, I remember watching you carry her around when we were little, and, and \u2060\u2014 you never held me that way. I mean, the only time you ever touched<\/em> me was when you were yelling<\/em> at me or telling me not to wear<\/em> something because you were worried about me. But \u2060\u2014 but I\u2019m so sorry. I hated Laurie so much. Hated<\/em> her. I\u2019m so sorry.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cHoney, it\u2019s okay.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo. It\u2019s not. It\u2019s not okay. It\u2019ll never be okay.\u201d<\/p>\n
He holds my face. \u201cSweetie, it\u2019ll always be okay.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
After some talk of what her mother was like, the scene continues:<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you ever … blame Laurie?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cFor what happened?\u201d He nods. \u201cOnce or twice. For a little while. I\u2019m not perfect. And neither are you, Hel. Being a kid sucks. It\u2019s hard enough when you don\u2019t have any<\/em> challenges, much less when you\u2019ve got a special-needs sister and a drunk for a dad … And I\u2019m sorry. I\u2019m sorry I let you down.’<\/p>\n
\u201cYou didn\u2019t let us down.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, not that. I\u2019m sorry I let you<\/em> down, Helen. When we found out about Laurie\u2019s condition, I just naturally assumed she\u2019d need more … well, everything. More help, more love. I was wrong. And I\u2019m sorry.\u201d<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
With that, Helen is exonerated from the consequences of all her choices and years of vitriolic hate, because according to her dad and the narrative, she was right all along: Laurie did<\/em> suck away the love and attention and happiness that was rightfully Helen\u2019s. This reinforces a supremely dangerous trope about disabled children and their abled siblings. We see this narrative so often: the deprived, burdened abled sibling who resents their disabled sibling for simply existing. It\u2019s a narrative that’s rarely questioned, and one that leads to very real emotional and sometimes physical ableist violence.<\/p>\n
Helen never apologizes to Laurie. This is as close as it gets, when Laurie sends a virtual message to Helen in the heat of the climax:<\/p>\n
>Helen, don\u2019t react. I\u2019m on the Darknet.<\/p>\n