{"id":243,"date":"2013-07-20T09:00:19","date_gmt":"2013-07-20T14:00:19","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/disabilityinkidlit.wordpress.com\/?p=243"},"modified":"2020-11-10T14:08:36","modified_gmt":"2020-11-10T14:08:36","slug":"tara-kelly-the-problem-with-normal","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/disabilityinkidlit.com\/test\/2013\/07\/20\/tara-kelly-the-problem-with-normal\/","title":{"rendered":"The Problem with Normal"},"content":{"rendered":"

If you\u2019ve read my book Harmonic Feedback<\/em>, you probably know I\u2019ve got a problem with the word “normal.” Sure, it has its purpose. Like:Your blood tests came back normal. Yay!<\/em> I just don\u2019t think it\u2019s a good way to describe who we are or how we think.<\/p>\n

Perhaps \u2018normal\u2019 behavior is best described as a \u2018normative spectrum.\u2019 (Hey, autism has a spectrum \u2014 why not?) For example, how do YOU think most people would react if a stranger called them ugly? They might get angry, insult the person back, cry, walk away, etc. These are fairly predictable reactions, right? What if they laughed? What if they responded by giving the person a hug or asking them where they got their shoes? Your first thought might be something like \u2026 wow, that was weird<\/em>. But is it wrong? They\u2019re not really hurting anyone by reacting that way.<\/p>\n

\"Cover<\/a><\/center><\/div> Let\u2019s add culture to the mix. What we consider “normal” or “acceptable” here in the U.S. might be a crime in another part of the world. Where we grow up and how we grow up (good ol’ nurture) has a huge impact on who we are and how we behave. I believe our genetics give us the foundation and our environment turns that foundation into a whole person. We wouldn\u2019t be who we are if we were born with the same genes but different parents in a different part of the world.<\/p>\n

So, to me, there is no such thing as normal behavior. There is just behavior that is considered acceptable where you live.<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s my other issue with “normal.” We can tell some people are different as soon as we look at them or hear them speak. Someone on the severe end of the autism spectrum, like the Rain Man, does not pass as “normal” in our society. So, people are able to rationalize their behavior. Well, he doesn\u2019t want to hug me because he\u2019s autistic. That doesn\u2019t make him a bad person.<\/p>\n

But those of us who appear<\/em> “normal” (and those are some serious italics around appear) are expected to act <\/em>normal. If we don\u2019t, it\u2019s generally assumed that we have defective personalities. An example:<\/p>\n

Crowds make me very uncomfortable. The voices coming from every direction. People pushing up against me, breathing down my neck. I get dizzy. My heart races. I feel like I\u2019m literally going to jump out of my skin. Sometimes I can swallow back my discomfort and just go with it. Other times \u2026 I can\u2019t. When I can\u2019t, people get angry with me. I\u2019ve been called selfish (because I\u2019m ruining other people\u2019s fun), a drama queen (because obviously I\u2019m just doing it for attention), and insane (because doesn\u2019t everyone love being crushed up against a blockade at a concert?) When I was younger, I lost friendships over this kind of thing. And, at the time, I would\u2019ve given anything to be like everyone else \u2014 to just get lost in the moment and be able to filter out unnecessary noise.<\/p>\n

But that\u2019s the thing about me. I go into sensory overload very easily \u2014 sometimes I even get it in grocery stores. My brain has a lot of trouble focusing on one <\/em>thing when there are a million noises and things going on around me.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been diagnosed with ADHD, OCD, and what my neurologist described as one of the worst cases of anxiety he\u2019d ever seen. These disorders (as they like to call them) are nothing but labels to me. Labels that make other people feel more comfortable about me being different than they are. They don\u2019t define who I am. They don\u2019t make being different any easier. Just like everyone else, I have to go out into this world, work a job, pay my bills, and function. There are many situations, like at work or large social gatherings, where I have to mask my “differences.” And I have quite a few \u2026<\/p>\n

Sensory overload is a big one for me. Whenever I\u2019m in a situation where I have to converse with a group of people, I leave with a mother of a headache. I have to concentrate really hard on the following:<\/p>\n

    \n
  • Focusing on the person speaking to me, rather than everyone else who is talking<\/li>\n
  • Figuring out how to insert myself into the conversation without interrupting anyone<\/li>\n
  • Trying to avoid saying something random or irrelevant \u2014 because my brain is often hopping from one thought to the next<\/li>\n
  • Ignoring the need to run out of the place because I feel trapped<\/li>\n
  • Smiling through it all and acting like nothing is wrong<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n

    I\u2019m much <\/em>more comfortable socializing with people in smaller groups and in quiet places. In fact, I rather enjoy that. So, when I can, I often invite friends over to my house or for a hike. I\u2019ve also discovered that ear plugs help me immensely with crowds. This obviously works best at a concert or when I don\u2019t have to carry on conversations. But just dulling the noise around me works wonders.<\/p>\n

    I\u2019m afraid of germs (this is where my OCD comes in). I cringe inside when I have to shake someone\u2019s hand or touch a doorknob. The best \u2018coping\u2019 mechanism I\u2019ve found  is to always carry hand sanitizer with me. I know it doesn\u2019t kill everything, but it\u2019s enough for me to function normally.<\/p>\n

    My OCD is actually the most disruptive when it comes to food. I hate going out to eat at restaurants because I don\u2019t know what the ingredients are or who touched it. I generally don\u2019t like to eat any food that I or someone who knows me and my quirks (less than a handful of people) didn\u2019t make. I check expiration dates obsessively. I give everything a sniff test before I eat it. I will no longer eat anything that has ingredients I can\u2019t pronounce. My coping mechanism for this is simple: I eat at home 99 percent of the time. But you can imagine how difficult it is when someone invites me over for dinner or out to eat. I either say no and hurt their feelings or explain myself and risk them thinking I\u2019m nuts.<\/p>\n

    The thing is \u2026 I don\u2019t think I\u2019m crazy. In my mind, I\u2019m trying to protect myself from getting sick and I\u2019m, um, very thorough. For example, a lot of people don\u2019t realize that washing your hands in a public bathroom is pointless if you touch the doorknob when leaving. Hey, medical doctors will back me up on this one \u2014 look it up!<\/p>\n

    Sometimes I wonder \u2026 is there really something wrong with me? Or is my caution level just much higher than most people? I guess it doesn\u2019t really matter since these “quirks” of mine do affect my daily life and my ability to have relationships with other people. Believe me, there are so many days I wish I didn\u2019t have these “disorders.” And I really hate that they are called disorders\u2014because we are really just saying that these people think differently.<\/p>\n

    On the other hand, I like being different. I like that my brain can just wander and gather up all these bizarre and wonderful ideas. Melodies just come to me. I can pick up almost any instrument and start playing it \u2014 no joke. I can often see perspectives others can\u2019t. I don\u2019t think I\u2019d be the writer or the musician I am if my brain worked differently.<\/p>\n

    The best I can do is take the good with the bad and cherish the people in my life who love me and accept me for who I am.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    Perhaps “normal” behavior is best described as a “normative spectrum.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":36,"featured_media":2425,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_generate-full-width-content":"","kt_blocks_editor_width":""},"categories":[57],"tags":[58],"genre":[],"age_category":[],"disability":[85,19,18,17],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/disabilityinkidlit.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/243"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/disabilityinkidlit.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/disabilityinkidlit.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/disabilityinkidlit.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/36"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/disabilityinkidlit.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=243"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/disabilityinkidlit.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/243\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/disabilityinkidlit.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2425"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/disabilityinkidlit.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=243"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/disabilityinkidlit.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=243"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/disabilityinkidlit.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=243"},{"taxonomy":"genre","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/disabilityinkidlit.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/genre?post=243"},{"taxonomy":"age_category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/disabilityinkidlit.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/age_category?post=243"},{"taxonomy":"disability","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/disabilityinkidlit.com\/test\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/disability?post=243"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}